Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
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Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please