“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
You Might Also Like
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
wut hotdog?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.