“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles