Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣