Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Yup….perfect score!

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.