Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments