Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.