Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Every damn time
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
How do you milk an almond?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.