Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
When your man makes a valid point
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping