Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Oh no

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Yes, but it was never about money

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.