Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
About to form my very first opinion
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!