Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
You Might Also Like
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”