Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Pretty much! 😂👀
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.