Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

gm

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way