Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?