Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

liiiiiiiiike

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.