@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

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@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@ThRealBallsDeep

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

@Elizasoul80

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

@IamJackBoot

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

@PhilJamesson

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

@Playing_Dad

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@MotorCityKitteh

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?