i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?