#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?