Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

My brain is a bad influence on me

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

eating my hot dog hamburger style

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Still cracks me up

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex