Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I already tried new things thanks.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
grandpa was shocked