Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?