Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.