Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
We’ve all been there…
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess