Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’