give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
😭😭
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.