give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
This might be me.
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my lower back watching me try to live my life
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.