give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
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me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Oh my God.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.