Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Imma just leave this here…………
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no