Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.