Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

😂🥴

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!