Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My work here is don’t.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.