Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?