What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread