@Macar00ny

Give a man a subtweet and he’ll be like “is this about me?” Teach a man to subtweet you’ll be like “is that about me?”

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@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@QueenofSparta

Me, during phone sex: Babe, do you ever feel like somebody’s watching us?
Him: No
NSA agent: No

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@MiSsSnObBy

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

@jergarl

After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.

@BroHumor

Probably not the best place to put the authors name..

@ericonederful

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.