Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Donating blood today to make room for more food

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Hmmmmm

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.