Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

me, too, girl. me, too.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”