Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
True
it be like that
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
A short story of betrayal:
