Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

cats when you pet them too long:

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

58.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

i was baptized in a car wash

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Finally, a door that understands me