Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!