@goodballs

Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.

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@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@Elizasoul80

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

@TweetPotato314

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@foodfacenow

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@kimtopher22

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.