Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You Might Also Like
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
When I pack too much for a short trip.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!