Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

no way 😭

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.