Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
what do you want
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome