Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Natty or not?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.