Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
#Caturday
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.