Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
sensitive skin
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty