Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Friends that check up on you >

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE