give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’