give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
WHY?!
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My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Is this a threat?
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
This is my emotional support knife.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
How all things should be taught/explained.
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.