Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical