Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.