Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
You’ll be OK
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.