Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.