Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.