Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found my next D&D character name

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.