Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

me in a relationship:

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

we all know this pain all too well

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.