Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

it’s the silliest best thing

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly