Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag: