Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Perfection.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”