Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

🙁

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”