Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
my one true gender
Made something I’m not proud of
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Drive like no one is watching.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
was Jim off killing horses or…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer