Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
You Might Also Like
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!