Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
my favorite genre of twitter
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
scared to check what name she chose
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.