Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop sending me this shit.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment