Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Seals are just dog mermaids.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?