give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
So many mistakes to make, so little time
“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Someone just threatened to call me later
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.