Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You Might Also Like
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Cardio Made Easy
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.