Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Story of my life…..
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
There are usually two types of merchants.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
