Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.