Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.