GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Okay
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
