GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
.. do you even science?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high