Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Breaking news:
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face