Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.