Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.