Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
12653.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.