Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM