Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Lmao 😁
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The days of good grammer has went
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?