Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

tag yourself

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into