Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.