I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting