Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.