Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.