Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Cucumbers Anonymous
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Cause of death: Zumba
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it