Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?