Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
A game married people play.
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Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
a lot to unpack here
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What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store