“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.