“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
when there are deer in the woods
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Very good! 👍😂
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.