Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal